21st Century Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

Once upon a time in the 21st century, in a land near dear to our hearts, there lived a Hippie queen that was definitely born in the wrong era. She was strumming on her old guitar as she sat by the window ledge at the uppermost floor of the Taipei 101.

Because the guitar was so old, the D string snapped right aross her face! Blood starting to flow unto the snow that had fallen at the window ledge. Although it was only June, Taipei was snowing because of global warming. The Hippie Queen HAD told everyone to listen to Al-Gore, didn't she!

Because she was also blonde, the hippie queen was intrigued by the thick, red, unknown, haemoglobin-filled substance that was flowing unto the snow. She connected it to Aids and Africa and finally, Children and she said to herself : "Oh how I wish I had a daughter whose skin was as white as snow, lips as red as blood, and hair as black as Osama Bin Laden's heart. (I wanted to say Banglah but I didn't like being so racist)

That very night, the King took the hippie queen into his room and... -insert romantic music and steamy steamy scenes-....



9 months and 2 days later, the Hippie queen gave birth to a baby girl whose skin was as white as snow, lips as red as blood, and hair as black as OBL's heart. When the doctor handed the baby to her, she freaked out and died of a heart attack because she thought she was having a seriously bad case of deja vu! But before that, she draws her last breath and mutters the words: "SNOW WHITE". Thus, the baby girl was named Snow White because no one around dared to speak up for the poor newborn baby and say that Snow White is a pretty horrible name, especially in the 21st century.

The King went into mourning for 3 days and 3 nights but then realised that his newborn daughter needed a mother to raise her. Thus, he stepped out of taipei 101 after 2 long years of not leaving the building since there are 101 floors to find a new wife and a new queen.

As he walked down the streets of taipei, smelling at all the new smells, he saw a old picture of Chen Shui-bian and could not help but stop and look at it for a moment. Thinking of the money his former buddy lent him to build his empire, he shook his head and turned around.

And then time stood still for him, for before him stood an extremely beautiful woman. His heart started pounding and his palms became sweaty and his mind went blank. But he remembered that He Was King and swept her into his arms and asked the unknown lady to be his new wife.

The beautiful lady was shocked but despite her pretty face, she had a black black heart and was made up of pure evil. In fact, her name was Cruella De Vil and she had recently just murdered all 101 dalmations.
She knew who the dude in front of her was and agreed to his proposal and soon, she became the new Queen.

The queen was not only beautiful and evil. She was also extremely vain. She possessed a magical Mac that answers any questions.

Because of her vanity, she often asks her Mac: "Mac, mac, on the wall, who's the fairest of them all?" To which the Mac replies: "You, my queen, are fairest of all. Apple never lies".

However, Snow White grew wonderfully and gracefully, and by the age of 7, she was just as beautiful as the queen, and when the queen asks her mac her usual question, the mac replied: "Queen, you are full fair, 'tis true, but Snow White - what a name! - is fairer than you. Apple really never lies."

Jealousy overcomes the queen and in the spur of the moment, she asks Stefano Greco, the Don of Taipei's Mafioso (They ran a chain of famous italian cuisine restaurants by day, really) to take Snow White into the woods and to kill her. She demands that Stefano brings back Snow White's heart as proof to show that she was really dead.

So, Stefano Greco took Snow White into the woods, with a SAR-21 assault rifle and several bullets in the back of his car. Do not worry, readers, for he had left his post with permission and is not AWOL.
In the woods, he raises his rifle to shoot Snow White but he finds himself unable to do so.
Instead, he lets her go and asks Snow White to flee and hide. She does as he tells her, and he kills a young boar and takes it to the queen. The queen had just finished reading Issei Sagawa's book and was feeling slightly cannibalistic, and the cook fried the heart and the queen had it for dessert.

Meanwhile, in the woods, Snow White discovers a tiny cottage belonging to 7 dwarves, and there she rests. The seven dwarves say to her: "If you keep our house clean, and keep those damn cockroaches out, and cook and mop and dust and sweep, and shave our beards every other day and rub our bellies because it makes us laugh, we will let you live here and give you everything you need!".
They warned her to take care and to not let anyone into the house while they were out looking for oil, which was scarce. But although they treated her like a Philipino maid, they were generally quite nice to her.

The seven dwarves included:
Emo - who had black nails and tonnes of hair covering his face.
Futuristic - who dressed only in silver and metal and liked shiny things
Blonde - who could not tell the difference between...well, many things
Asian - who was an excellent sign language speaker but could not speak a word of english
Geek - who had a whole room of Physics and maths books to himself
Jock - who was football captain and had biceps the size of Singapore
Weird - who smelt and wore his clothes inside out and don't change his underwear. at. all.

And Snow White learnt to love all of them.......except Weird.

Meanwhile, the queen back in the 100th floor of Taipei 101, asks her mac: "Who's the fairest of them all?" The mac responds in a PMLee - long speech and the queen is horrified to find out that not only is Snow White alive and kickin' and fixin' it with da dwarves, she is still the fairest of them all!

So the queen disguised herself as a salesperson and goes to Snow White while the dwarves were out at work. She offers Snow White some SLIM10 and because Snow White felt that she was putting on weight recently, she gobbled down the SLIM10 pills. She fell to the ground and the queen left, leaving Snow White to die. However, the dwarves return and revives Snow White because Blonde couldn't tell the difference between one liver and two and donated one to Snow White.

The queen soon learns that Snow White is STILL alive and disguises herself as McDreamy and goes to Snow White while the dwarves were out at work. Because Snow White was following Grey's Anatomy on Sidereel - the dwarves didn't have cable! Really! At this century! - but Good ol' macdonalds had wireless connection which the dwarves use, she knew who McDreamy was and took the chance to throw herself at him. The queen combs snow white's hair with a poisoned comb and she falls to the ground. The dwarves, once again, return and revives Snow White.

Furious and extremely unhappy because Snow White was STILL the fairest of them all, the queen disguises herself as a farmer's wife and goes to Snow White while the dwarves were out at work. She gives snow white a sip of Milk Made In China and Snow White gulped it down. She fell to the ground because the amount of Melamine was extremely high and the queen, sure that this would be the last time she needed to travel all the way to the woods, left Snow White to die. This time, when the dwarves returned, they could not revive Snow White.

Instead, they panicked and blamed themselves. Emo started cutting himself, slicing his wrists while Futuristic tried teleporting to Macdonalds to get help. Blonde could not tell if Snow White was faking or really about to die and all Asian could do was sit there and stare, with his mouth wide open. Jock was so sad he threw his football away and Weird was just...well, Weird!



Only GEEK had a plan. He picked up the phone and called 911.




An ambulance soon arrives and a hunky paramedic rushes over to Snow White. Stunned and amazed by her beauty, he falls in love with her and, knowing that he is putting his job at risk, he kisses her.




However, Melamine cannot be cured by a kiss because people, this is the 21st century. And so, Snow White dies.

And the queen was happy. And evil.











If you had read the whole story without noticing a HUGE mistake, slap yourself. No one, not even dwarves have two livers. They, we, have two kidneys. And Blonde donated one to Snow White after the Slim10 incident. Not two livers. two kidneys!